Connecting with an Ex

Recently I've had a few great conversations, with some really good people, in regards to church...or rather, why I barely attend.  My ultimate answer is quite simple...I don't know.  I won't lie.  I miss church.  Very much in fact.  And it would only make sense to ask myself why I don't become more involved in a church.  This is my attempt at doing that:

I love the water.  I have a passion for whitewater rafting...more then most people know.  A few years ago I dislocated my knee cap on the Wenatchee river.  Without being over dramatic, the event scared the shit out of me, and there was a moment while under the water that I actually thought this could be it.  I can honestly say that's the most physical pain I've had in my life.  I'm sure there's worse, but I haven't experienced it.  I haven't been rafting since, and I truly have every intention of doing so.  But I would be lying if I said that popping that knee cap out won't be on my mind when I finally do go back to the water.  It's there. 

I believe that some people think that I'm bitter with the church.  This really isn't the case.  In fact, bitterness wouldn't be as embarrassing as admitting that I'm just afraid of getting hurt.  I long for the connection that I used to have.  And so I often put my toe in the water.  Every time I'm asked to play piano for a worship set, I get lost in the music and I remember what that was like. 

And then I catch myself getting to close.

Going to church could be compared to getting back together with an ex.  I miss how things used to be, but I know they can never be the same...

Bitterness?  No.  Am I being unfair?  Maybe.  While my going back to school is a valid reason for not getting involved in the church, I must be honest...it is certainly more then that.

I hope this brings clarification to those that might be curious.

Thanks for reading...

John