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My blog thus far has been full of honesty. For some crazy reason, I've thrown everything out there for all to see, and in all honesty...its been freeing. Not a license...but liberating.
In the spirit of this blog, I must be honest with myself as well.
I simply do not have the relationship with Christ that I once had.
There is something inside me that wasn't there before. A need for a "him" rather then for Him. Equally, there is something that was inside me that I'm not sure is there anymore...and I'm trying to put my finger on what that is. I've been known to be a person who seeks the approval of others. I freaking hate it. The irony is how much I've grown in this area. This blog is proof of that. But something is different. My heart now yearns for validation of a different kind...and I don't like it. I'm convinced that its a kind of validation that doesn't exist. Will I chase air forever? And I don't even have a name for it yet.
I long for the confidence I once had of knowing that I belong to Christ. I know he loves me. I really do. But that really isn't enough. Its weird. In my "former life" I always questioned whether or not God actually loved me(stupid, I know)...but I knew I belonged to him, because He was bound by His own promise.
Is God free of His obligation to me? I dunno...but there is definitely something missing.
Hopefully this day is just the result of bad pizza.
Thanks for reading...
John
Just the result of bad pizza; over-complicating your life.
ReplyDeleteDid you know that Mother Theresa didn't speak to G-d for something like the last 20 years of her life. She didn't hear his voice. Not even a whisper. Still, she kept on.
ReplyDeleteI have faith that you still belong to G-d. He loves you now, just as much as he ever has. You are still his. I think maybe you've just changed and learned more about yourself and so your relationship needs to change and shift as well...
As a pagan, I know that me saying any of this is just milk from a snake, but really. I don't think I am wrong. You are just as precious to Him today as you were when you asked him into your heart. I can promise you that.
Yes but to be fair Mother Theresa may have just recovered from a case of temporal lobe epilepsy.
ReplyDeleteBy definition, personal growth always comes at the cost of no longer being as familiar and comfortable with yourself.
So any change can make us feel uncomfortable, but that fact alone does not mean it is a bad change.
You will simply have to use your head to decide whether or not changes are for the better or not. This is more reliable than counting on how your "gut" feels anyhow.
I also feel the same way, so we must be eating a lot of pizza! And I don't know (forgive me Eri, I mean nothing personal or mean spirited by this) if the opinion of a self professed pagan (someone who then goes on to use the overly reverent Jewish spelling of God) promising you anything spiritual is going to bring you peace. Those who "know" us will want to say to us "See? YOU have sinned, YOU have caused Him to turn HIs face from you". Maybe they are right. Is this what Eve and Adam brought upon themselves in the garden of Eden? Have we been kicked out? Or have we left of our own volition? I don't know that it will ever be "the same" this side of eternity. But in the end I have to agree with Eri. We are just as precious to Him as the day we received Him, and He knew that this journey would go this way for each of us. So I have to take comfort in that He knows where I am going to end up down that path.
ReplyDelete