Tired...

            People that have known me a long time will tell you I’m a pretty passionate person.  Though I’ve become a bit more level headed over the past few years, I still tend to go over the top at times.  Depending on one’s perception, it can be taken different ways.  So I thought I’d clear some things up.

I’m pretty bummed…bummed that I have been perceived as someone who not only hates the church in general, but more specifically, my old church…Cedar Park.  Cedar Park was a place I called home for about 14 years.  Many good things happened in my life during my time there.  I will always be grateful for the memories, knowledge, and love shown me by so many.  While I do disagree with the organization’s methods towards gay marriage (and the gay community as a whole), there have been many other great things that have been accomplished for the good of many people.  I have no ill will.  None.

            But then there is church in general…And while I do not see church like I used too, I do not hate its people.  I think there is so much good that can come out of the church culture (and sometimes does), that some of the misunderstood parts of it are worth some of the negatives.

            I guess what bums me the most is how quickly it seems people have forgotten my heart.  I have no malice towards anyone.  I DO have issues with some institutional ways of thinking, but I’ve never meant to hurt anyone.  (Does anyone remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood?)

Nevertheless, I have caused hurt…

            So I’m sorry for bringing any offense to anyone.  I really am.  And if I could ask just one thing: please consider what you know about me… as a person.  I genuinely care about people and what it is that I’m saying.  I never lash out at an individual, in fact, when I see “vaguebooking” on Facebook, I think it’s incredibly childish.  Please don’t assume that just because I have SOME views that are now more liberal, that I’ve traded everything I am just so I can roll with my more liberal friends.  For example: I’m actually still pro-life (though I have a penis so my opinion is worthless lol), and I’m a believer in the death penalty.  I even tend to favor more capitalistic economic approaches than socialism… though we’re pretty screwed up in that area too right now.  The point is that I think for myself.  The anger I might have for churches at times, is very similar to the anger I sometimes feel toward giant corporations.  Let’s face it, they are run very much the same way.

I sincerely appreciate intelligent thought and conversation… especially when someone asks for clarification on what I’m saying.  But I’m tired of the assumptions.  Just tired… When I post something controversial, please don’t stomp off like a child and say “oh John’s just on his way to hell now…he’s lost.”  It’s one thing if the friendship just doesn’t mean that much to you anymore.  I guess that happens.  I’ve had my fair share of people that “unfriended” me where I didn’t give it a second thought.    

But there are those I really miss…and I refuse to believe that things have to remain the way they are.  Our differences should never be this divisive. 

Thanks for reading and as always, I welcome your thoughts.

John    

"Persecution?"

           In my humble opinion, the church appears to be on its way to isolation.  Some would argue that to be a good thing, a biblical thing.   While I’m not here to point out the pros and cons, I would like to identify a possible cause of this: the persecution mentality.  Please note that I haven’t been to church in years, and am basing this off of past experiences and a plethora of Facebook posts and threads…so please feel free to take this or leave it, for what it’s worth.

            There is a growing surge of “don’t impose your beliefs on me” growing in the church, and I have yet to figure out why.  There is an organization found within the Assemblies of God (a protestant denomination) called the Royal Rangers.  It’s similar to the Boy Scouts, but with a church focus.  I was a royal ranger and I thoroughly enjoyed the campouts, building fires and tying knots.  When the Boy Scouts announced that they would not be excluding teens that identified as gay, I noticed a post on Facebook stating that the Scouts had been “taken away from us”.  I made the comment that “at least you have your Royal Rangers”, thinking that was at least fair.  Another individual chimed in, “But the Royal Rangers don’t have the same prestige as the Boy Scouts.”

            UNBELIEVABLE.  The Royal Rangers are 100% protected by law to teach and include, or exclude, whoever they want.  And I completely support that right.  But it is only arrogance to assume that the Boy Scouts were ever “yours” to begin with.  They’ve always had the right to vote how they see fit.  But what angers me more is that even when a similar organization exists, that coincides with your beliefs, it’s not good enough, and treated much like a 2 year old throws aside an old toy while kicking and screaming at the thought of sharing a new one.

            Many conservatives feel that gay marriage has imposed opposing views on its citizens – again, how?  I would love nothing more than for someone to explain that to me, while still having the capacity to have a two way conversation about it.  Many of my conservative friends have become surprisingly defensive on some of these issues.  It amazes me.  These people know me, and know my heart of wanting to see lines of communication OPEN, rather than bridges burned.   

            A few days ago I posted about gay marriage being another step towards “silencing the ignorant.”  I couldn’t believe how many people took offense, automatically assuming that I was pointing at them.  In no way does being conservative equal ignorance.  Many conservatives that I know are not ignorant at all.  In fact, they have a seriously well thought out approach to why they believe what they believe.  Many of these friends will ask me to hang out, and sometimes we do.  I’m even attending a wedding of such an individual in a few weeks (should be fun, but interesting, to hang with old friends again). 

But there are those that simply cannot listen to another point of view.  If you think someone is calling you ignorant on the gay issue, then ask yourself, “how many gay friends do I have that I hang out with?”, or “What would it be like to have to go through what a gay person goes through?”  Also…if you think the whole gay thing is about a dude wanting to have sex with another dude, guess what…you’re ignorant – ignorant as hell. 

           

            Many of my conservative friends have made it a point lately to hit me up and hang out, and I'm thrilled.  I don’t know if it’s to gain brownie points for Jesus, or a genuine desire to catch up with an old friend, but either way, I’ll take it.  It’s always cool to reconnect with old friends.

And yet I’ve got a few former close friends who are blatantly distant.  If people such as these truly aren’t ignorant, then I can only assume that they are homophobic, and are sincerely afraid of what they don’t understand.  If that’s the case, my heart goes out to them.  I think that would be a tough place to be.

I would like to point out, and own, that my identity is no longer placed in my old friends…or any human for that matter.  My life has moved on, and I’m happy to be where I am today.  But I won’t lie…I wish that there weren’t any “sides” anymore.  The devil is certainly accomplishing his goal of dividing people.

            As a whole, the church has some serious decisions to make in the near future, either learn to truly love people where they are at (while still holding its values), or continue to isolate itself and play the role of the victim – for that is certainly within its rights.  Just take a look at the Amish. 

            Just love people, let God sort it out.  The only people that Jesus got into the faces of were the Pharisees.  Ironically, these were the religious leaders of the day, not the lawmakers and politicians.  Today these would be the pastors and religious leaders that control people with their legalism. 

            Oh…and for the record, the church in America has no clue what persecution looks like, or to have its rights infringed upon.  There are those that believe that persecution is coming; that the church will be the last persecuted group on the earth.  I completely think that’s a possibility.  And while I sincerely hope that day never comes, I can now see how that could happen. 

Thanks for reading...

John

A Friday well spent.

Today the Boy Scouts of America voted to lift the ban on YOUTH that identify themselves as gay.  I must confess, I haven’t followed the Boy Scout saga very much over this last year.  I haven’t had any involvement in the organization, nor do I wish too.  It’s just not my “bag”. 

            However, I’ve spent almost my entire life working with students…and I was actually surprised that there would ever have been a ban in the first place.  Even back in my more conservative days, I would have been shocked at the idea of any organization turning away some 14 year old kid, just because he said he was gay.  Hell, even churches don’t do that.  What amazes me is that there are still people that think this way.  I have become accustomed to the idea that having gay leaders is controversial.  I get it.  I don’t like it, but I’m used to it.

             

            But students?  Really?  You’re going to exclude some kid who has no real concrete idea about life, let alone his sexuality, from your gatherings that claim to build character?

            It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, and I must say that much has changed.  I’m happily in a relationship, and I have all around adjusted to who I am, and honestly, don’t really care too much about the opinions of some of my more conservative friends.  I will always enjoy the company of my old friends, in fact, I have lately…and it’s been great.  But I know that we disagree on my “lifestyle choices” blah, whatever.  All that to say…since I’ve worked with kids for most of my life, I’ve always been perceived as a fairly influential person when it comes to students.  I feel privileged by this, I really do.  This is one of the reasons that I’m pursuing the career of being a teacher.  Many of my more conservative friends are quite supportive of this…they know who I am…just someone who is an effective communicator and wishes the best in the lives of all students.  

I’m quite sure at this point that there are those that are worried about me having influence in the classroom; that I’ll do something really dangerous like tell kids it’s ok to be gay or something…the audacity.  So it is to those individuals, that I make the following statement:

If you’re worried about me teaching kids that everyone deserves to be loved and respected…if you’re afraid of me teaching students that individuality is something that is very much apart of our society, and shouldn’t just be tolerated, but embraced…that we might actually LEARN something from those that are different from us….

Then by all means…be afraid.  Be very afraid…

Thanks for reading,

John

A little education...

The other day I was going through my Facebook newsfeed, which, if you know me, that’s about every 10 minutes, unless you’re my employer and happen to be reading this. :)  You also might know that my newsfeed happens to be extremely bipolar…with status updates that are all over the map.  I have many friends and acquaintances that fall on both sides of the “tracks” on many issues.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Not for a second.  I’m convinced that everyone can hold a belief and still be respected by humanity, and maybe even be friends...go figure.  Call me an idealist…but that’s the way I hope to see it one day.

If you’ve been watching any kind of media, you know that the topic of gay marriage in the state of Washington is bigger than ever at the moment, and I happened to notice a reference regarding the ever-classic Sodom and Gomorrah.  I must admit I was frustrated.  I went ahead and let frustration subside for a day, to make sure that what I’m about to write was written out of the purist intentions.  Yes, this will be theological. And no, this will not simply be a gay man’s opinion.  It is an educated conclusion held by many conservatives that are very much against homosexuality.  And it might be the only time I agree with those individuals on this issue.

Any biblical scholar, both conservative and liberal, will tell you that you simply cannot use Sodom and Gomorrah as an argument against homosexual relationships.  Most people, when looking at the scriptures can clearly see that both of those cities were plagued with evil.  Yes, evil.  Newsflash:  People that aren’t bible thumpers do believe in the concept of evil.  Alright…moving on.  In the famous passage (Genesis 19) that clearly shows the dark depravity of the city, there were two angels that came to visit Lot (Who was Abraham’s brother).  A giant mob beat on Lot’s door, asking Lot to toss them out into the street so that they could have sex with them.  In a sense…gang rape.

I’m pretty sure this doesn’t have anything to do with a relationship between 2 adults.

BUT…no one seems to mention this:  Did you know that the Bible actually goes on to say exactly WHY God destroyed Sodom?  It’s found in Ezekiel chapter 16.  As always, please feel free to check the context: 

⁴⁹ “‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. ⁵⁰ They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen.”

The part that I find the most interesting in all of this, (this is my own “stretch”, but I’ll throw it out for thought nonetheless), is that Genesis 19 tells us the story of these two angels, who were foreigners.  They were visiting this city.  And THAT is how they were treated.  Is it possible that this was the greater sin committed?

How does the church treat outsiders today?

Yes…it’s a stretch.  And it’s still worth thinking about.


Thanks for reading…I know it’s been awhile.

Happiness...

Have you ever heard the words "I just want you to be happy..."  or, "As long as you're happy I support you."?

These can be amazing words to hear from someone.  They can be empowering and encouraging.  And I mean it when I say that I'm thankful for the support I've gotten from so many people.  So my hope is that the following statements won't be taken the wrong way.  :)

I'd like to pose a question...How important is your happiness?  I need to ask myself the same question..."Self, how important is my happiness?  What is it going to cost me? And is it going to end up costing someone else?"

Since when did one's own happiness become more important then something else?  Do we, as a society, use the excuse of pursuing our own happiness to get something that we want, while not remembering the happiness of others?  Do we, as human beings, really even know what makes us happy to begin with?  We understand the emotions that are associated with feeling good, but we all know those never last.  True happiness, in my humble opinion, is something so much deeper then what an emotion, or person, or material thing can ever give us.  Do I pursue happiness?  Or a feeling...

Picture a two year old sitting in a corner, playing with toys.  He goes towards something shiny that looks so great--only to have mom and dad take it away because it was a knife or something. 

OR...the child walks away from his toys because he's bored of them, and the second he sees some other kid playing with them, he freaks out because they are HIS toys...regardless of the fact that he wasn't playing with them anymore.

Are we really any different?

Thanks for reading...

John

Did you earn that?

Have you ever been instant messaging with someone, or reading an email, and noticed a spelling error?  Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and noticed something they said that was incorrect, but had nothing to do with the subject at all?  Sure.  We all have. 

When I was 14, I went to a music festival (then called Jesus Northwest, now called Creation), and listened to a public speaker that is known to be somewhat controversial.  Dr. Tony Compolo told a story that day of the massive amount of starving children in Africa, and while I was sitting there in the midst of probably the most conservative crowd alive, he said the words "Ya know, I don't think the majority of people here give a shit!"

Chins dropped.  Spines tingled.  And then he said "My point is proven.  You care more about the fact that I just said the word Shit, then you do about the massive need that exists in Africa."

I've never forgotten that moment.  I was one of them.  Bored.  Waiting for the next band to come on stage.  Then I was filled with regret.  Did I develop a huge heart for Africa that day?  No.  But my own shock to his use of the word Shit was something I said I'd never be guilty of again. 

Everyone has people that they allow to speak into their lives, whether many or few. Whether it is earned or not.  Anyone that allows me to speak in their lives, I consider a huge privilege.  A small example would be, if I'm asked, "hey John, did ya like the concert?" I'll probably say "Sure dude!"  But if I am pulled aside and asked, "John, what did you think of how we played?"  I'll give a well thought out, constructive view of what I thought...but only because I was given permission to do so. 

One of my favorite discussions in scripture is where Jesus is talking with Peter and asks him "Peter, who do people say that I am?".  Peter says "some say John the Baptist, or Elijah, or one of the prophets."  But then Jesus asks, "Who do YOU say that I am?"  And Peter says "You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God."  And...(drum roll please) Jesus replies... "It is not flesh and blood who has made this known to you but my father in Heaven."    (Matthew chap 16)

I often question how much people let God do the talking...

I honestly do not believe that Jesus pointed out every little flaw that was out there...he had bigger purposes...like relationships with those around Him. 

Obviously the point of this post has very little to do with swearing or spelling, but has more to do with the power of listening and humility.  When I am facing the "itch to be right" I honestly try to ask myself, "Self...is it my place to correct?  Have I earned the right to speak on this issue?  What makes me think that what I have to say here is actually worth saying?  Is my opinion even being asked for?"

I truly mean it when I say...

Thanks for reading. 

John

Adjustments

I've been letting this next entry stew in my mind for a bit.  And really, its like 2 entries, but they're both things that need to be said...so thanks for reading if you choose to do so.

One of the biggest adjustments I've had to make is that of how different things are outside of the church.  I'm a person who is known to be an all around caring guy.    I give hugs.  I tell peeps "love ya man!"  And even occasionally say something sappy like "Ya know, you're a great friend, and I'm always gonna be there for ya", even if I haven't known you that long.  I wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to hate this, but over the last 10 years or so, I've chosen to embrace this fact about myself.  In the church, I must admit, my being a caring guy was a welcomed feature.  Those that have known me for a long time still find it one of my better attributes.  But in getting to know new people, and now being "out", I'm finding that it doesn't generate the same response.  I can only guess that maybe people are afraid or uncomfortable?  I don't feel as though anything has changed on my end as far as that goes.  I'm beginning to understand why gay people might gravitate towards only being around other gay people....however I don't want this to be true of me.  I don't think its healthy.  I think singling yourself down to only one social group (like members of ANY particular group are inclined to do) limits us all as human beings.  Is it just a fact of life?  Or those one of those currents that we are all supposed to be swimming against?

I won't lie...it saddens me.  My heart breaks at the very thought of making someone feel uncomfortable.  I'm stoked to have the few close friends that are 100% OK with me.  You know who you are.

Change of subject...

A few of my close friends have questioned the name of this blog.  It's a valid question that deserves an answer.  They've been there with me thru some pretty crazy conversations and seen some things I wouldn't want my mother to see.  The truth is, I am much more resolved then I ever used to be.  I have my days though, that much is certain.  There are still random days, though fewer and further between, where all I want to do is crawl right back in the closet, and go to camp where many pieces of this road started...and change it all.  But...I have to be honest that that is not so often anymore.  Most days I feel very good about where I'm at on my journey...and anyone is welcome to walk with me. And as I travel down this road, being more open to what may come of that, I can only prepare myself for the possibility of losing a few more friends as I go.  Ask yourself...if a boyfriend announcement were made, what would that change for you?

 Do I miss the way things used to be?  Yep.  Can I change it and go back to how it used to be?  Nope.

Thanks again to those that read this...and thanks for the reminders that it was time for a posting.

As always I welcome your thoughts...

John