Adjustments

I've been letting this next entry stew in my mind for a bit.  And really, its like 2 entries, but they're both things that need to be said...so thanks for reading if you choose to do so.

One of the biggest adjustments I've had to make is that of how different things are outside of the church.  I'm a person who is known to be an all around caring guy.    I give hugs.  I tell peeps "love ya man!"  And even occasionally say something sappy like "Ya know, you're a great friend, and I'm always gonna be there for ya", even if I haven't known you that long.  I wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to hate this, but over the last 10 years or so, I've chosen to embrace this fact about myself.  In the church, I must admit, my being a caring guy was a welcomed feature.  Those that have known me for a long time still find it one of my better attributes.  But in getting to know new people, and now being "out", I'm finding that it doesn't generate the same response.  I can only guess that maybe people are afraid or uncomfortable?  I don't feel as though anything has changed on my end as far as that goes.  I'm beginning to understand why gay people might gravitate towards only being around other gay people....however I don't want this to be true of me.  I don't think its healthy.  I think singling yourself down to only one social group (like members of ANY particular group are inclined to do) limits us all as human beings.  Is it just a fact of life?  Or those one of those currents that we are all supposed to be swimming against?

I won't lie...it saddens me.  My heart breaks at the very thought of making someone feel uncomfortable.  I'm stoked to have the few close friends that are 100% OK with me.  You know who you are.

Change of subject...

A few of my close friends have questioned the name of this blog.  It's a valid question that deserves an answer.  They've been there with me thru some pretty crazy conversations and seen some things I wouldn't want my mother to see.  The truth is, I am much more resolved then I ever used to be.  I have my days though, that much is certain.  There are still random days, though fewer and further between, where all I want to do is crawl right back in the closet, and go to camp where many pieces of this road started...and change it all.  But...I have to be honest that that is not so often anymore.  Most days I feel very good about where I'm at on my journey...and anyone is welcome to walk with me. And as I travel down this road, being more open to what may come of that, I can only prepare myself for the possibility of losing a few more friends as I go.  Ask yourself...if a boyfriend announcement were made, what would that change for you?

 Do I miss the way things used to be?  Yep.  Can I change it and go back to how it used to be?  Nope.

Thanks again to those that read this...and thanks for the reminders that it was time for a posting.

As always I welcome your thoughts...

John